I’d do a LOT to procrastinate studying.
Some days I think I’ll write again, like for REAL when I used to spend hours, and it’s mostly when the train goes over the Williamsburg bridge in the evening. That would be nice, I think… I have so much to say, inside, somewhere past a self-imposed writer’s block… But the other half of me always locks it up because I’m busy.
I just want to promise I am better when I have time and space and music and like, Time. To pursue things creatively. And the space to air it all out.
It’s so sad that that is not so easy in this life, and it’s also kind of sad that I’ve found the perfect ways in which to “sell out”. Interests translate, if clunk-ily: perfectionism in grammar and interest in complicated rhyme schemes becomes perfectionism in numbers and interest in complicated tax code. The need for colors, textures, sounds, and beauty becomes cooking as decent a dinner as you can come up with that night.
I’d love the time to do other things, but as a student and part-time worker, that is not a luxury I have at the moment.
New friends that I make at college are shocked about 2 things: one, that I have a degree already (what? why are you back). Also, that I’m 25, which isn’t surprising (see: facial-hair free).
I wish it were simpler sometimes, and that I still lived upstate working part-time hours as a babysitter and whiling the time away on a thesis and theater projects. I wish I could walk through the city smoking on a random weeknight, going to whatever bar a random friend had invited me to earlier, knowing I didn’t even have to wake up in the morning because I had a 5 o-clock shift the next day.
But it’s really not right for me, I remember. TOTAL freedom - the absolution from a career path included - would have driven me nuts in the end. So I pre-empted it just in time to not completely hate myself over a lack of direction.
Freedom: At least it’s always there. Vacations: at least they will be taken someday. And finally a day will come when your average weekend will just be a weekend because school is finally out.