Every time I become *too* productive and *too* optimized, I just start to get depressed and start to freak out and then that just sh*ts all over everything I am hypothetically working toward anyway.
So I’m trying this thing .. called.. breathing. Also called “not pushing myself to the absolute limit all day every day.” I think working nearly full-time, being in school, and otherwise having side projects and needing to manage the basics of my life (laundry, anyone?) all while trying to still go out and have fun ever is enough, yes?
And so it is that I’ve been sitting on my bed all Friday, well, all Friday ever since getting home from an ill-fated “career fair” that reminded me that I DON’T FREAKING WANT A CAREER RIGHT NOW. And by I don’t want, I mean no one will have me. Not without the sell-out degree that I am only quarterways (not even) toward attaining. But yes, I will get there, and I will enjoy doing so because I relish academic work with the kind of gusto occasionally reserved for meals and desserts. Yes, I will eventually, “EVENTUALLY” get to someplace roughly equal to where I want to be.
And by all that I mean, “fuck you, America”.
I really was not made for capitalism. None of us were, but I especially am not. I read too much, I think too much, I even talk too much and then say the wrong things. I secretly hate everyone and am bad at hiding it. I not-secretly hate AMERICA and that makes people distrust me. I’m no one’s perfect autamaton. The list goes on.
Also, remember that part where I got a college education? Fucking apparently, I would have done better to go back to Eighth Grade computers tutorial and boned up on Excel spreadsheets again, considering that’s all that any prospective employers care about anyway. Intelligence and superior writing skills on the job? FUCK IT!! As long as you can be where they say, study for their rigged tests, and promise to not have a personality, you’re a lot better off than me in this job market. Also, don’t be as “depressingly realist” as I am, and don’t have thought through the problems of society. That seems to be the other pieces of the puzzle.
So once again, fk jobs, fk this economy, and fk the fact that I have to work for a living at ALL. It’s clear to me that I don’t like following rules. I don’t understand people who don’t mind the status quo. I wish I could smash it.