That Moment When Life Comes Full Circle

It would be irresponsible to NOT mention that I’ve been, as-of-late, on one of the best “Summer Breaks” of my life. Fully intentional of course… You don’t just ‘chillax’ and sit by the pool before the last year of dual work/classes… you pre-game the SH*T out of it, with enough fun to drag you through even the most miserable days of tax season in March with midterms bookending the whole damn thing.

So in that spirit… Highlights of this past week include literally consuming a bowl of bacon dipped in maple syrup and bleu cheese dressing, and celebrating a best friend’s birthday from rooftops to the park.

Also, drinking copious amounts Hell or High Watermelon beer. As a matter of fact … I’m due for a new six-pack. The level to which I am obsessed with this beer need not alarm you at all. The level to which I just listed 2 food-related activities in my Top 3 Activities of the Past Week need not surprise you, either.

Also, I went on vacation to the West Coast and I can’t believe I was dumb enough to come back here.

You can find me repenting at the gym and crying into notebooks until the day I reverse the decision…

Things are just feeling kind of circle-y lately, and not just because I finished that Dave Eggers novel! (Badum chh). I just am feeling those deja-vous feelings and having this strange sense that everything is falling into place. The actual purpose of this post’s headline will remain obscured until further notice, but suffice to say, I’ll explain more later if the random mass of thought behind it ever comes to light.

I don’t always blog while I’m at work, so when I do, it had better be good.

Coming here to try and break writer’s block as I go about my 9-5 lifestyle. I really miss writing, even when it was just for a few hours a week, and not worrying what “blog readers” would think about it, or how I am “wasting time” that I should be spending “working on my career” (or perhaps even more accurately, “doing my job”). Also, I want to be done worrying that I sound “too emotional” or “completely bonkers” when I’m really just “expressing myself to the fullest extent.”

What I’m trying to say is, I REALLY DON’T CARE WHAT YOU (the reader) wants to read! As per usual, like it or leave it here.

So as some of you may know, I have recently been growing tired of my blog-titled location of living, which would be Brooklyn, New York City. This august will mark my 4th (fourth?!?!) consecutive year of being here and to be honest, I am pretty damn impressed I’ve made it this far. I almost literally moved here with a dollar and a dream, and the fact that I am even standing here today as the person I have become, halfway through a second degree, is a testament to my survival instincts, intelligence, and parents and friends that spotted me in the toughest of pinches (cannot ignore that one).

I’m not here trying to say I did it 100% alone, but I’ve made a pretty solid 96.7% go at it, which I am going to classify as “good enough.” This is not in regards to the emotional component, which I would never have hurtled through were it not for friends, community connections, family close by, and a relationship that enriches my life. But I have a stubborn independent streak so I do tend to do things alone where it makes sense, because that is just my personality. I thought the novelty of walking around the city alone for instance, aimlessly, would wear off for me — yet it never has. Sometimes it is just best to be alone with your new discoveries and wandering thoughts.

Went to the west coast; feeling fueled partially by non-specific nostalgia and the need to move. I feel trapped where I am and this week especially is going to be hard. I need to BE MATURE and have REAL CONVERSATIONS and take stock of where I am at 4 years in, instead of subsisting on auto-pilot mode. Because no matter how much time I spend daydreaming about giving it all up and moving back to Hudson, I have to at the very least follow through on a concrete commitment to finish school. I want to give it all up, buy a car, and just leave though. Really would make certain aspects of my life a lot more peaceful and complete, and I wouldn’t have to deal with nearly as much of the mind-numbing bullshit that compromises this great and expensive city.

Most amusing aspect of the day

Is that later, I will probably buy underwear from Duane Reade instead of doing laundry.

COST-BENEFIT ANALYSIS OF TIME SPENT VS TIME SPENT, YA’LL

Also I’m not sure if my obvious distaste for my lifestyle has become palpable in my highly occasional entries, but seriously, I hate being an (even broker than I once was) student all over again. New York sucks enough even if you can pay for everything and don’t have to study.

Most likely I will either relocate seconds after finishing this degree, or just actually have a job and money again and then go more happily broke, to pay for laundry in the building.

///END RANT///

Ugh

Do things in this order: go into student loan debt with the aim of landing a well-paid job that enables you to finally afford to pay for the therapy and vacations you will, so, SO, desperately need when you’re done with all of it.

Capitalism: If it ain’t broke, someone will break it for you and send you the bill.

Scattered Thoughts

I’m experiencing extremely high occupational/study-related stress levels for maybe the first time in my life, undoubtedly due to the season. Like I’ve been busy but I’ve never been Capital B Busy as in the only time you are done being the places you have to be and doing maybe 1/2 the stuff that needs to be done is when you lay your head down at night… and I am NOT even talking about extracurricular activities or seeing people, which LOL is not happening. Needless to say I am figuring out as I go along how to cope.

Tonight that took the form of — leaving work early, skipping my evening class, and eating jelly beans salad and “Cheez” on crackers for dinner after lying in bed for TWO FULL HOURS reading reviews on Amazon of the Sister Wives tell-all autobiography. And to be honest most of the reviews just said the same thing over and over (this book kinda sucks,) yet I read like 25 PAGES of them. Why even. I think I was too lazy to open a new tab.

Basically the version of me that is tired and stressed gives zeroO f*cks about what goes down in my spare time, like my amount of caring is directly proportionately inverse to the amount of painstaking hours i put in at school/work as a means of recalibration. Like, think of one of those golden scales with the ball o’ stress on one side and a single container of Easy Cheese on the other, balancing perfectly.

As a parenthetical, I was renown at sleepaway camp for consuming Easy Cheese at too high of a volume (which is to say, “ever,”) and in wholly unacceptable ways. All of which is my roundabout way of saying that the wway I ate it was straight from the nozzle, deposited in little flowers directly onto my tongue. Because F a cracker, the middleman just distracted from the good stuff. And good it is. At age 25.8 let’s just finally admit that I was so, so right.

Me vs. You (for almost-26 year olds)

You: Take-out Ramen from a trendy Japanese place
Me: Spaghetti with alfredo sauce from a jar dumped on top

You: Graduate School
Me: Undergraduate school… again

You: Drinks after work
Me: Homework after work

You: Vacation !!
Me: Riding the subway somewhere

You: Engagement photo session posted all over the Internet
Me: Articles by angry social justice people posted all over the internet

You: Planning a wedding
Me: ………………..

You: Getting a dog
Me: Petting a dog

I’m making very, very…. VERY…… little progress.

My current job could also be called, dressing up fancy and using Excel to a quite discerning degree

AnDdD not worried about what this means in terms of the rest of humanity.

A funny anecdote is that I do remember once asking as a kid, “what is it that people spend so much time doing in offices all day?”

Now I know, for what it’s worth.

86 plays

this is actually just one of the greatest songs ever.

old Broken Social EP.

Ho-Hum

I’d do a LOT to procrastinate studying.

Some days I think I’ll write again, like for REAL when I used to spend hours, and it’s mostly when the train goes over the Williamsburg bridge in the evening. That would be nice, I think… I have so much to say, inside, somewhere past a self-imposed writer’s block… But the other half of me always locks it up because I’m busy.

I just want to promise I am better when I have time and space and music and like, Time. To pursue things creatively. And the space to air it all out.

It’s so sad that that is not so easy in this life, and it’s also kind of sad that I’ve found the perfect ways in which to “sell out”. Interests translate, if clunk-ily: perfectionism in grammar and interest in complicated rhyme schemes becomes perfectionism in numbers and interest in complicated tax code. The need for colors, textures, sounds, and beauty becomes cooking as decent a dinner as you can come up with that night.

I’d love the time to do other things, but as a student and part-time worker, that is not a luxury I have at the moment.

New friends that I make at college are shocked about 2 things: one, that I have a degree already (what? why are you back). Also, that I’m 25, which isn’t surprising (see: facial-hair free).

I wish it were simpler sometimes, and that I still lived upstate working part-time hours as a babysitter and whiling the time away on a thesis and theater projects. I wish I could walk through the city smoking on a random weeknight, going to whatever bar a random friend had invited me to earlier, knowing I didn’t even have to wake up in the morning because I had a 5 o-clock shift the next day.

But it’s really not right for me, I remember. TOTAL freedom - the absolution from a career path included - would have driven me nuts in the end. So I pre-empted it just in time to not completely hate myself over a lack of direction.

Freedom: At least it’s always there. Vacations: at least they will be taken someday. And finally a day will come when your average weekend will just be a weekend because school is finally out.